The legend of ozzie
by a sword
Summary: Drunk, destitute and cast out by his own family, ozzie seems the perfect candidate for a miserable life. However, with the help of some old friends, and a genius heist can he reclaim the glory of his war hero days?
1. Chapter 1

It was cold. Ozzie hated the cold. It was wet. Ozzie hated the wet. Even worse, it was Liverpool. Ozzie hated Liverpool. He thought to himself, as he sat on the damp dank streets of Liverpool-ville. He thought to himself, as he clutched his stone cold steve Austin memorabilia shirt " I survived NAM, and fer wot. The government took meh weed and my booze. I even grew this sweet handlebar stache but my Richard's wife still won't leave him for me". He had stood there all day with his cardboard "will impersonate stone cold steve Austin for money/women shirt, and had only made £2000 that day, which barely covered the cost of his new chinchilla fur coat. His relative poverty stirred something deep within ozzie. He stood up and after swallowing his cigar let out a deep wheeze. He stared up at the sky and smirked as he looked at the moon, it reminded him of the moon in 'nam. His latent righteous fury activated, and he knew he had to see his brother one last time. But to herald the Re-vengeance of the great ozzie lyons he called out to the heavens "WHAAAAAAAAATTT!"

Richard lyons was giving a firm fatherly lecture to his adopted son Edward. "thank god my bum of a brother Ozzie isn't here" he thought to himself, as he mused over his successful business and marital life. Suddenly, his bum of a brother kicked down their door, clasping a tequila in one hand, and an unconscious member of the neighbourhood watch's collar in the other. "WHAAAT" he screamed obnoxiously. " Rickard, i hab a gift fer the boiiii" he said, handing the tequila to Edward, aged 6. "And furthermore, in case my affffluuenc was maekign u feel insecure and worthless ive decided to start letting u loan me money again" he adjusted his sunglasses and smiled, feeling he had made an impression that wasn't abhorrent. Stunned Richard began to mutter "Ozzie, i ..." but he was cut short by his boisterous, baffling brother " Do not be ashamed, dearst sibling, for now i'll bear you're living conditions. But now i can fix everything you're too stupid to do for yourself." He dropped the neighbourhood watch and put his arm around Richard, drenching him with his armpit sweat, he motioned his arm across the room to indicate what he'll change; already the house began to smell worse. " i'll never leave your side, Richie. By the time im done with your money, your house is gonna look as good as the new ta-tas im buyin yer wife."

However, this time Richard initiated his bro-lepathy*, and spoke via mindwaves to ozzie " go back to the streets ozzie, you aren't welcome here." Although his emotions were masked by his cool shades ozzie was filled with more righteous fury, and naturally responded with his catchphrase "WHAAAT!" He told Richard that he would rue this day, and proceeded to storm out the ozzie-shaped hole in the doorway. Moments later Ozzie then busted in throught the back wall, whilst continually screaming his catchphrase, took his tequila back from Edward and then left. But as he screamed his way down the road ozzie hatched a nefarious and brilliant plan: He would go to the bowling alley and flirt with all the single mothers hosting birthday parties.

However, this plan fell through, but the multiple slap wounds on his cheek brought a new epiphany to his mind. "They've all failed me" he thought " Richard, Edward, Liverpool... and linda. I thought i'd never do this but..." then he pulled out his sony ericsson phone from 2005 (cus the government use smartphones to spy on plebs) and looked at the two sole contacts he had:

Marcedge Toing

Seelkadoom

He stared for a brief period at these names, before smirking slightly and saying with a tone of wistful reminiscence "let's get the gang back together"

*- Bro-lepathy: telepathy between bros.


	2. bios

Ozzie lyons:

Likes: Alcohol, cake, war, hunting, drugs, moustaches, sunglasses, hawt babes with large chests, general acts of debauchery and irresponsibility and stone cold Steve Austin

Dislikes: working, his brother, sports bras, Liverpool, the wwe, non-alcoholic drinks, boy bands and Obama

Bio: Ozzie grew up as brother to Richard lyons, but he was infinitely cooler than him. He fought to Vietnam and became a war hero, nicknamed "the liverpuddlian powerhouse" But after the war Richard became more successful and affleuent than ozzie. After that ozzie made his living impersonating stone cold steve Austin, mooching off of sympathetic bartenders and taking permanent loans from Richard.

Catchphrase: "WHAT?"  
Theme song: watch?v=0xrSH0G8kBo

Marcedege toing  
Likes: rio de janeiro, strawberries, murdering cats, genocide, cooking, his smoking hawt rat gf, Donald Trump's policies, his restaurant the RATATOING

Dislikes: other restaurants, humans, getting gorgonzola sauce instead of camembert sauce, selflessness, when people ask what makes his food so edgy (it's the bodies of his victims that's what makes it edgy so stop asking why)  
CATCHPHRASE: "the food here sure is edgy"  
Theme song: watch?v=QDPgsgHzn8g

Seelkadoom  
Likes: explosions. Guns, kissing women and sometimes men (but he's not gay), the color blue ( but in a cool way not in a gay way), murdering the innocent, death metal, being cooler than sonic and shadow put together.

Dislikes: sunshine, his parents, sonic and shadow, justin bieber and Kevin from school fuck you Kevin stop showing people my deviantart you piece of shiiiiiit.  
Catchphrase: "pssssh. Nothing personnel, kid"  
Theme song: watch?v=v226mbTh38M


	3. rat-tastrophe

Ozzie knew who he had to seek out first. The old army chef from back in Nam. His food tasted like moldy worms glazed in honey, but Ozzie needed him. He was 19 grams of pure edge. Only problem was that he'd set up shop in Rio De Janeiro, some restaurant called ratatoing, where marcedge secretly ran a drug cartel and crime syndicate, and put addictive substances in the food to get the customers hooked. It was underhanded and depraved, which was exactly why he was ozzie's best friend. He went to a phone booth to escape the liverpuddlian rain and the single mothers who kept ignoring his sexy advances. Shut off from the world in his urine-smelling cocoon he stared at marcedge's number: 666-666-666. As he began remembering his days with marcedge cuts began to appear on his face from the mere memory of the edge. So he dialled the number before it was too late.

Ring.

Ring.

Ring.

An unfamiliar voice began to speak, If ozzie were sober he'd have remembered it was Marcedge's employee Greg. He described him in Nam as " a green fucktard who keeps givin away my recipes. I keep him around so that i can pay him a 3rd the minimum wage and stab him when i'm bored. Rio's an edgy place, ozzie." It was this rat's voice who greeted ozzie on the restaurant's phone in an obnoxious voice " Hello, you have reached the ratatoing. I can't come to the phone right now because marcedge would cut off my fingers if he found out i'd touched the phone. So if you're hearing this marcedge is either at the brothel, enjoying some toing or he's been kidnapped by a rival gang. Leave a message after the toing. TOING."  
"WHAT?" replied ozzie briskly and he slammed his phone through the window of the phone booth, right into a passerby's nose.

Ozzie knew that to have a chance of getting marcedge back he'd have to get to RIO DE JANEIRO, otherwise his ultimate plan could never come to fruition. "alas," thought ozzie, "the Government took all the money i borrowed from the bank of England safe. I can't afford a trip to RIO DE JANEIRO." For inspiration on how to get the money quick he prayed to ozzy osbourne and received an idea from him; he quickly borrowed some money from richard's safe and booked his flight to rio.

His flight would have been ordinary; he booked first class and raided the food carrts before it took off. He had even seduced one of the air hostesses and had played patty-cake with her in the bathroom. However, his bliss was interrupted by the on-flight comm saying " we are currently flying over rio de janeiro, we are scheduled to arrive in new York in approximately 2 hours." Ozzie spent a second mulling over what the comm. Had said, as he ran his 'nam dog tags through his sweet handlebar stache. The realisation of what that message meant hit him like the chairs at his poker games " WHAT" he shouted in disbelief, panicking as he was banned from entering new York city. " I GOTTA GET TO RIO NOW!" yelled ozzie as he thrust himself from his chair; As he rose, the leftover peanuts and in-flight food which had gathered on his lap leapt from him so much that they buried and completely submerged the passengers in front of him.

In this fit of rage he sprinted toward the cockpit, much like the air hostesses had been swarming to ozzie's "cock-pit" but the captain's door was being blocked by a senile old woman. "WHAT!" ozzie announced behind her. "Well, dearie" said the old woman "the pilot is my son, and i'm here to congratulate him for his 200th successful flight.

Ozzie's face screwed up in disgust and rage. He knelt close to her, so much that his stache brushed upon the woman's crooked nose "well I need to get to rio so i can recruit an ex-vet mouse to steal money so i can get revenge on my brother!" Ozzie stood back from the woman then and slicked back his hair, the grease from it was visible and sticky on ozzie's right hand. He pushed the woman aside as she let out an ineffectual "oh, my," This caused hysteria as the plane staff were now rushing to help the old woman, further hampering ozzie's progress to the cockpit. "WHAT?" screamed ozzie, his voice overpowering despite the commotion, and with one swift kick he unhinged the door to the cockpit.

Both the pilot and co-pilot made looks of worry and confusion, but ozzie's face was blank, somewhat akin to that of a dumbfounded walrus. "Evening gentleman" he said, although his speech was hampered slightly by the sweet intoxication of the in-flight wine, "i have a business proposition for you: it would be very profitable for you and your airline if instead of new York, we all went to RIO DE JANEIRO, wouldn't it?" "w-wha?" replied the co-pilot, caught off guard by the boorish veteran. However, this response snapped something in ozzie, he karate-chopped the co-pilot to unconsciousness and turned to the pilot, he placed his right hand on the pilot's chair and swung iit round to face him, pointing his finger directly at the pilot's face with the other whilst angrily swearing to him "LISTEN HERE MAGGOT, I WAS IN NAM, I FLEW A PLANE WITH ONE WING THROUGH THE JUNGLE WHILE PRECISION-AIMING NAPALM TO HIT DANDELIONS. SO YOU LISTEN TO ME OR IM TAKIN THIS SPRUCE MOOSE TO RIO" the pilot gulped hard and replied sheepishly "ok." Ozzie smiled and slapped himself down on the co-pilot's chair. For the rest of the flight, he badly sang ozzy osbourne's "iron man" through the speaker.

Rio was hot. Ozzie hated hot. Rio was poor. Ozzie hated poor. Rio was that stupid animated film about the birds. Ozzie had never seen it.

What ozzie had seen however was marcedge's restaurant "the ratatoing" He asked for directions, but then every Brazilian went into a 15-minute rant about how good the food (and drugs) were there.

But when he got there it was not what ozzie was expecting. He could barely fit his head through the door because the restaurant was built for mice but the sights were still bizarre. There was no worm burgers, no strawberries. There were no class a drugs or rat prostitutes. Gone even was the regular sight of the stage, where marcedge would publicly execute anyone who asked for his secret recipes. "WHAT" ozzie called out to the emptiness, but from behind the counter he got a faint reply "p-pre...cisely." Ozzie's eyes widened (but not much, though) to know that Greg was alive. With his thumb, ozzie tore off one of the walls to climb further in to see marcedge's half-witted assistant. Sure enough there Greg was. His ears and left limbs were missing, and there was a deep gash on his stomach, with his entrails hanging out of it, strewn across the floor. Ozzie briefly stepped out to barf, and then inquisitively screamed at Greg "WHAT?" the rat, although wounded mustered a reply " the other restaurant... Those rats came in, pillaged the place for the recipes but they wasn't here. ... Kidnapped marcedge... interrogate him" his sentence was quickly cut short by a sharp groan of pain, which elicited a sadistic giggle from ozzie. "so" he said "if i scope out deez rats, I've found marcedge?" "precisely" added Greg meekly, "if you get help now, there's maybe i chance i can make it" for a second a twinge of sympathy resonated within ozzie, but he suppressed it and said "there is no time, marcedge is enough" and he walked away, emotionless. Greg was dead in minutes. Ozzie retreated to a cigarette stand to formulate a rescue mission. He looked up at the Brazilian sunset. It was the same sun he used to kiss Jennifer under, which meant the sun only reminded him of how Richard stole her from him. His burning hatred of Richard renewed his steely resolve and he stared in the general direction of the enemy restaurant. He mumbled to himself, with suitable badassery " revenge is a dish best served cold."

"and I hate the cold."


End file.
